


Emails from the Cage

by Rasalahuge



Series: Deus ex Mycroft [10]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fix-It, Gen, Lucifer is a brat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 23:56:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4325769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rasalahuge/pseuds/Rasalahuge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Lucifer is bored, Mycroft ignores him, Michael is irritated, Gabriel is amused and Anthea can in fact be bribed for blackmail material. Or in other words a normal family conversation for a Holmes and his children.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emails from the Cage

**Author's Note:**

> Final (so far) part of the Deus ex Mycroft series. I've not done an email format story before so let me know if it works.
> 
> Also I now have a [tumblr](http://rasalahuge.tumblr.com/) which means there is bonus ART! The previous stories in this series have been updated with banners as well so go and have a look at those, or you know come see them on tumblr.

  


**Emails from the Cage  
Alternately: Lucifer is bored**

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Bored

Did you _have_ to take Sammy and Adam away? It’s so _boring_ down here without them. Please send them back, or a reasonable replacement.

L

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Still bored

You know I don’t think much of your prison. Aren’t there rules about humane treatment of prisoners? We have rights too you know!

L

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Are you ignoring me?

You know considering this is the first time I’ve voluntarily contacted you in several millennia I kinda expected a better response. Seriously. If you won’t swing to returning my favourite toys a TV will do. Computer? PlayStation? E-Reader? Anything?

No?

Urgh. I shouldn’t be surprised. Dull.

L

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: You do know ignoring me is just going to encourage me?

So today in the Cage I spent three hours watching dust mites drift on the non-existent wind, two hours trying to balance on my head (my wings kept getting in the way), five hours singing extremely irritating songs, four hours smiting cockroaches, two hours trying to work out where the cockroaches even came from and eight hours sleeping. _Sleeping_. This is what I am driven to.

Oh and a full twenty four hours being ignored by Michael.

_Bored._

L

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: If you’re waiting for an apology you aren’t going to get one

I have come to the conclusion that this whole ‘locked away for eternity’ thing was _much_ more entertaining before I got a cell mate. Michael is infuriating in a way that only Michael could ever be. All he does all day is sit there and meditate _except_ when I actually think of something interesting to do. I mean, _really_ , he ignored my playtime with Sammy and Adam but the minute I start to play with myself he gets all righteous and ‘angels don’t _do_ that Lucifer’.

Which, fair enough, I see where he’s coming from (ha). Angels torture innocent souls but they don’t masturbate because that would be beneath them.

Still am now bored _and_ sexually frustrated.

I kindly request if you won’t return my toys you remove Michael to his own cell. I don’t share well.

L.

 

To: Gabriel@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Fwd. Are you ignoring me?

I thought this might keep you entertained during your parents evening.

MH

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Gabriel@TheComapany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: This had better make it into a gospel

You have _no_ idea. Just. Michael is permanently cockblocking Lucifer?

BEST. DAY. EVA.

_Thank You!_

Gabe.

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Why can I hear Gabriel laughing?

I’m pretty sure I killed that brat. Also why would I be able to hear him laughing from in here?

… You forwarded that last message didn’t you?

_Fuck you_

 

To: Gabriel@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Fwd. Why can I hear Gabriel laughing?

Just a follow up.

MH

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Gabriel@TheComapany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Ahahahahahahahahahaha…

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Gabriel@TheComapany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Need another resurrection, have killed myself laughing

Damn I missed your sense of humour. I really, _really_ missed it.

Never change Dad, never change.

Gabe

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: I’m not talking to you

Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Still not talking to you

Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Why do you even have an email address if you never reply?

Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: I can keep this going for a while you know.

Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Michael@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Report of last 100 years.  
Attachment: Report.pdf (15MB)

Dear Father

Please find attached the report of my actions for the last century for your attention. After much meditation I have come to the conclusion that several of my deductions about your Will were flawed and such findings are summarised at the beginning of the report. I would appreciate feedback on these conclusions so that I might better serve you.

Additionally, although I realised this is a punishment and by definition should not be comfortable, would it be possible for you to send a gag? Lucifer has made it his mission to be utterly irritating and if I have to listen to one more rendition of ‘Ten billion bottles of beer on the wall’, ‘This is the song that never ends’ or anything by Elvis Presley again I may start plucking his wings. No doubt he would not only enjoy that but take great pleasure in singing while I do so. A gag would be of benefit to us both.

Yours

Michael

p.s. I know Lucifer’s been in touch, _please_ don’t tell him he’s actually annoying me. He would take it as encouragement.

 

To: Michael@TheCage.net  
From: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
CC: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
Subject: Re. Report of last 100 years.

Michael

Thank you for your thorough report. Unfortunately due to several events, including an impending supernova in an inhabited solar system, the CIA being more irritatingly stupid than usual and Sherlock possibly falling in love with a dominatrix I do not have the time to give it the attention it deserves right now. I will get back to you as soon as possible. Until then please feel free to contact Remiel for any reasonable requests you have.

Regards  
MH

 

To: Michael@TheCage.net  
From: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Re. Re. Report of last 100 years.  
Attachment: RequisitionForm.pdf (2MB)

Michael

Please find attached a requisition form, fill in and return promptly and I will arrange for a delivery of a gag.

Regards  
Anthea

 

To: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
From: Michael@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Re. Re. Re. Report of last 100 years.  
Attachment: RequisitionForm.pdf (1MB)

Remiel

Attached is requested requisition form. Please send gag immediately. Lucifer has started on the llama song; do not know how long sanity will remain intact.

Michael

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: A GAG!?!

I demand to see my lawyer. This is inhumane treatment of a prisoner! I have a right to sing irritating songs! I can’t believe you sent Michael a gag!

You fucking bastard. I hate you.

L

 

To: Gabriel@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Fwd. A GAG!?!

As you enjoyed the last one so much.

MH.

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: On that subject…

Why did you reply to Michael and not to me? That’s blatant favouritism! It’s also not very nice to Michael, telling him you’d be in touch, now he just sits there meditating and waiting. As if you’re actually going to reply. Or is that his punishment while mine is to be ignored?

I’ll tell him that.

Oh wait, I can’t _because you sent him a gag!_

Still hate you.

L.

 

To: Gabriel@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Fwd. On that subject…

I do believe your brother is upset with me.

MH.

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Gabriel@TheComapany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Re. Fwd. On that subject…

Wow. Just wow.

I have no words.

 

To: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
From: Gabriel@TheComapany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: The gag

Hey baby sis

So Dad tells me that Michael has successfully managed to gag Lucifer (by tell I mean he forwarded me the irate messages from Luci but you already knew that). I need a photograph of this. Like _right now_. Price is no object.

I know this guy who can install lasers into phones. Press a few buttons and the person your phone is pointing at gets vaporised. Interested?

Love  
Gabe

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: This is getting ridiculous

Look I still hate you and am never, ever going to apologise but this is starting to get outrageous. Michael has apparently taken your reply as incentive to be even duller than ever and I can’t even entertain myself by singing anymore.

I think the silence is starting to get to me.

Also I’m even more bored now than I was before.

L.

 

To: Gabriel@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Re. The gag

_Dearest_ brother (note the sarcasm)

Phones for agents above a certain security clearance come with lasers as standard. Please raise your offer.

Anthea

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Ignoring me isn’t going to stop me you know

So today I plucked my own wings. Or at least I _tried_ to; Michael stopped me before I got more than half a dozen out. Apparently self-harm is up there with self-pleasure in ‘Things Angels Do Not Do’. I’d complain but being lectured by Michael was actually more entertaining than what I was doing before which was NOTHING.

Seriously. You know I don’t handle boredom well. _Do something._

L

 

To: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
From: Gabriel@TheComapany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Re. Re. The gag

My most beloved Remiel

How about I put you in touch with a woman who can alter any designer shoe to contain weapons, poison, lock picks etcetera etcetera which can also get passed _any_ security?

Missing you desperately

Your favouritist big brother in the whole wide world

Gabe

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: _Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddy!!!!!!_

Daddy pay attention to me I’m _booored._

L

 

To: Gabriel@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Re. Re. Re. The gag

That irritating brat I am unfortunately related to.

Throw in the copies of those photographs I know you have of Michael and Raphael playing drunken twister and you have a deal.

Favouritist isn’t a word.

Anthea

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Okay, okay I give!

Look I’ll do anything. Just give me something to _do_. I’ll even work! Anything but sitting here watching Michael meditate!

L.

 

To: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
From: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Re. Okay, okay I give!

I have some paperwork that needs completing.

MH

 

To: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
From: Gabriel@TheComapany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Re. Re. Re. Re. The gag  
Attached: NeverlookatTwisterthesameway.jpeg (1MB), NeverlookatTwisterthesameway2.jpeg (1MB) NeverlookatTwisterthesameway3.jpeg (2MB)

Done.

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Oh NOW you answer

Not on your life. Paperwork? I’d kill myself inside a week and we both know it.

L.

 

To: Michael@TheCage.net  
From: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Follow up

Michael

I do hope that the gag is working as efficiently as hoped, if you are in need of anything else please let me know.

As part of our standard procedure for certain requisitions we require more detailed records. I would be extremely grateful if you could send a picture of the gag, in use, for our records.

Regards  
Anthea

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: I can see where this is going you know

So you’re only going to reply when I actually say something you can constitute as an offer to do all the drudge work you hate and want to foist off on someone who can’t escape? I’m not an idiot you know.

…

Who am I kidding? This is blatant extortion I hope you know that I know that. Send the paperwork; it has got to be better than _this_.

L.

p.s. Why is Michael taking pictures of me?

 

To: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
From: Michael@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: Re. Follow up  
Attachment: Gag.jpeg (1 MB)

Remiel

The gag is working perfectly, thank you. Lucifer is still as irritating as ever but it much easier to concentrate on ignoring him when he can’t sing off key renditions of ‘My Way’ down my ear.

I’m not sure why you need a photograph of Lucifer in the gag but then again I remember some very odd requests being send my way while overseeing Heaven so perhaps it’s just part of the eternal bureaucracy that Father is so fond of. Anyway the photo requested is attached. Let me know if there’s anything else you need.

Regards  
Michael

 

To: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
From: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Re. I can see where this is going you know

I’m glad you are still capable of seeing reason. Paperwork will arrive via courier in approximately one hour.

Good luck.

MH

 

To: Gabriel@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Fwd. Re. Follow up  
Attachment: Gag.jpeg (1MB)

You’re welcome.

 

To: M.Holmes@TheCompany.co.uk  
From: Lucifer@TheCage.net  
CC:  
Subject: You sent _Death_ as a courier?

Well played. Bastard.

L

 

To: Anthea.Keane@MI6.gov.uk  
From: MHolmes@TheComapany.co.uk  
CC:  
Subject: Shoes

Your new shoes look lovely my dear but please stop using them to threaten my appointments, it does make things more difficult when they _start_ the meeting as a gibbering wreck.

Incidentally I assume Gabriel enjoyed his new acquisition?


End file.
